Divergence

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

People do change over time, so do I.

My behaviour, my interest and the way I think now is way different that I was during high school.
Sometimes your different field and level of studies will change how you behave, your interaction, your topics of interest and how you converse with your partner. And how you could diversify your thinking and broaden your mind? By reading of course. Read and read other people's field as well, not just living in the field of yours.

Sometimes people could be different after their status changes, single friend is way different that married friends. I wish to have friends that stay they way they are, even after being married. I wish to be that kind of friend in the future.

Kadang-kadang rasa sedih mengenangkan diri sendiri yang belum habis2 belajar. Studying and working have taken too much of my time that I lost time to socialize with friends.

Tomorrow, a good friend of mine back in Sydney is getting married and I don't think I will be able to attend. Sometimes having constraints of not having a car is driving me crazy. Capaian terbatas dan limited. I've missed most of my friend's weddings. *sigh*

My friend said getting a degree is compulsory, and getting a master is a compliment, but not PhD. But for me, I think getting a PhD is a need for my own satisfaction. But the price of sacrifice that I have to pay would be soo expensive. I may have lost my friends, having trouble with people around me throughout the way. Because the work-life-balance has never been easy, I am still learning to balance everything out and I am not really mentally prepared for that.

Bare with my stress and pressure pretty please. Because the journey in research is getting lonelier.. So this blog will always be a place to ease my pressures and stress burden.

Two-third

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Alhamdulillah..

Almost two-third out of my 14 weeks of lecture for this first semester has passed. Only Allah knows how hard the study is for me, to cope with the workload, contents and the pressure.

Initially, we're in a small group of 4, but yesterday my dear friend has left the course to continue his PhD at other university. What a sad fact but life has to go on. With or without my coursemate.

Being in a very small group of cliques, the competition is very tough among us. But as usual, I will keep calm and being last minute will be my trademark.

As of now, I haven't started my term paper that worth 40% of the total mark, which is going to be submitted in 2 weeks time. Our group assignment for Education blue print has not yet started - this one also needs to be submitted in 3 weeks time + another essay for Development Theory and Practice. And not to mention final exam is just 6 weeks away. And now revising my first essay.

Just a quick summary on the topics I am working on:
1) Term paper: Overview of health care provision in India
2) Group assignment: Education blue print critiques
3) Essay: Virtuous and vicious circles of Sub-Saharan Africa and East Asia
4) Essay: Gender ratio?

***

Life is tough and demanding.

With working at the same time. UM has now become my second home since I spent most of my life there - at least for this 2 years. Being a student of one prominent researcher in the field, my lecturer will always go outstation due to fieldwork. My lecturer not only supervise students in UM, but also in other parts of the world, such as Australia, UK, US, and few other countries. And tomorrow we will have second replacement class in this semester.

I am very exhausted. Seriously feel like burned-out because of the studies and work pressure.

Working is also stressful, with the pressure of writing the journal and at the same time need to deal with lots of problems, especially admin work.

I just can't wait to end this semester and think about my dissertation. I hope I can do something related to my hometown - be it issues of education, health or tourism - which forms large part of my interest in development areas.

May Allah eases for me. ameen

p/s: As short as receiving A score for my article review (Very tough article) and short message of motivation can make me smile. Thanks to my Dr. L!

Week 4

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

The time moves so fast that I don't even realize that I am already in my week 4 of masters!

With the workload and at the same time study load, I really have no time to wander and enjoy my weekends.. I don't even have time to study.. I have a very short of time since I can't be studying during my working hours.

The urge to study and do my assignment is killing me now. I already have 2 assignments that is due on next week, next day after Raya Haji break, and the other is on next week after. Right now, I am still studying the material for Week 2. And doing the slides for presentation this Tuesday. The bad thing about the assignment is, I don't even understand the content of the paper I was assigned to present. This is terribly bad. I feel useless. I tried to divert my attention from the paper by studying the other subject. At least I can start reading the paper again with fresh mind. I hope so.

The syllabus for both subjects is quite dense and it keeps me running to catch up the content of the study. The poverty and distribution subject doesn't take much of my time compared to the Development Theory and Practice by my handsome professor. Though it's hard but i know I will nail it. I won't give up until I have put my best effort which I know I haven't yet.

I pray to Allah to ease my studies. I wanna join the NGO so badly but I got contraints in terms of transport and time. I hope I can contribute to the society someday..

With Allah's willings of course. insya-Allah.

Betulkan niat Izzah.. insya Allah everything will be alright..

Welcoming the second degree!

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

I am now officially a full-time master student and research assistant/administrator/secretary/personal assistant. You name it all. I am now a multi-function research assistant with lots of workload. 

But it gives me experience that others may not have it. I learned a lot to manage grants, rules and regulations, how to deal with officers. The tasks sometime sounds simple, but it is really fussy to do it, it takes much of my time doing the admin work than my research. I know admin work won't take me anywhere, but I sort of like it since it doesn't take long before the task is settled. It's totally different with research. The process takes 1-2 years minimum, doesn't even take into account the writing part. I am still learning to be a good writer, cause I know writing is something that you can practice to make it perfect. It's just a matter of time.

Just finished 1st week of classes. For this semester, I have enrolled 2 subjects: 1 core and 1 elective subject.- Development Theory and Practice and Poverty and Distribution. The course really critical in a sense that it makes students think and argue a lot about the issues in development. And I wonder why most of Malaysians do not have intention to further in development studies. I wish I can do my PhD in Oxford and do case study in one of the Sub-Saharan African countries. It sounds simple yet it's really challenging since you're not deal with any organism, but human. Human is a very complex creature of Allah. They can interact with one another, they can change the info, they can cheat and think about the consequence/reasons for everthing. So for researchers, in order for the research not to have biased result, they usually do data collection by doing games so that they can actually manipulate the sample and lessen the interference.

Back to my study, I just finished first week of masters, but the tense is getting harder. The workload, the study and all those reading lists make me sick by just looking at it. 5 pages of long list of journal article is not much, right? Assignments, presentations, essays, response papers, term papers, etc. are not much. I just need to stop thinking about others and start to do my work. I know I can do this, I can score and I can manage it well. It's just a matter of time management - which I am still learning to handle it. 

But I am grateful that Allah has put me in this way, He makes my path smooth at the moment. Although the pressure is there, but I believe I can still handle it. I pray to Allah to make me persevere this challenge up till the end and graduated with Distinction. How I wish 2 years can fly just like that.

As my update is positively related to how busy I am, I will update this blog more frequent I think since I will be getting busier.

Currently, there is 1 paper in my pipeline (for my work) and besides the coursework that I need to fulfill, I also have to think about the other component of my masters which is dissertation part. I need to figure out my preferred supervisor, my areas of research and what I wanna do by the end of semester.

14 weeks sound not too long!

Have a nice weekend everyone. Even I know no one is reading this blog, but who cares.. I just wanna express myself in my own way, as for my future reference and I wish I could look back at my posts and say, I DID IT!!

insya Allah..

Unbearable

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

I don't know why my stress level is so high tonight. I can feel the butterflies non-stop flying inside. I just don't like it. My heart beats faster than usual and I wonder if my blood pressure is high currently. Blogging is one of my own way to cool down myself. I feel so much relieved after I write something on the blog and I hope no one is reading this.

I am so stress after today's conversation with le boss. My boss told me that she and the other RA are going international, and when is my turn to go for international level. With the current burden of work, plus that statement, I feel so depressed and sad at the same time. I need to publish my work, but I don't have much time to write since my writing speed is so slow. I need more solid time frame to focus and do my writing. I can't do writing in the office. :(( I need a peaceful and privacy to do my writing, which I usually do in the midnight.

Sometimes I just can't wait to finish the work and go off for 1 month holiday. I miss the time where I used to have so much free time. I just wanna drop off eveything and go for holiday.

How I wish I could make the time move faster, at the same time I wanna have 40 hours time per day, so i could handle everything.. :(( I know it's the matter of how you manage everything, but I know my limit. The current burden is unbearable, at least for me.

Allah.. time is the biggest constraint that I have as of now.

I can't imagine how my life looks like in 10 years time.

I just pray that Allah will grant me the patience to handle the work, plus the incoming masters studies in september.. may Allah eases everything.

I should update my CV of what I am doing now so later I feel so much at ease, knowing I didn't waste my time by being an RA.

Being in the pathway to be an academician, is a very challenging way and yet slow moving to the top.

Just be patient for another 2 years and I will finish everything off before pursuing Phd in UK. that's my target. Yes. I will get it before my age turns to 30.

Sometimes I feel like quitting but I know I can't, I love to teach and that is the only reason why I am still working to be an academician. I've been working for almost 9 months now and I know the beginning is always the hardest part of everything. I know I am still in the beginning year of my career, so just bear with it.

I need more pull and push factor to get me to the top, as soon as possible. I know that I can do this. It's just a matter of time.

The final 100 meters

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

Just a quick update on my research journey.. After all the hurdles and hardship that I went through in producing my first journal article, tomorrow my boss will finalise everything before the final check up from another co-author a.k.a professor from UUM, so this will be called our first draft that will be sent to the editor.

I just hope everything will go as planned. aamin According to my boss, the paper is a guaranteed publication. Let's pray it will get accepted soon.

It took me awhile to understand this world of academician. Until now, I am still learning about the publications, the journals and how they work. I was quite diverging from my field of study. I studied economics and finance during my undergraduate years, but then working in the tourism field under the tourism scholar in UM. Among the topics that I did research mainly about wildlife tourism, zoo tourism, spiritual tourism, accessible tourism and other tourism stuffs.

After 4 months working in the field of tourism, recognizing the high impact journals in tourism, I then moved to another supervisor. She is the professor of supply chain and anything relates to it. I have to start learning the journals again. I need to know which one is high-ranked journals and start from scratch again. I just hope I can survive in this world of academics. Amin

11 ways to set yourself up for success

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

i think this post from Australian Business Insider is worth to be shared here, for my own future reference.

I pray to Allah may the research journey will be smooth and move as it was planned. Everyday is like a new challenge for me. I was literally lost for my own project since I didn't understand much of the project. I wasn't sure what should I do for the project. I am now in the midst of doing literature review for the transport policy related to the topics.

I find it quite hard to write journal article without anyn guidance from my supervisor. I just hoping I could get minimum 10 articles reviewed done by end of this week. At least I feel much better and could be more focused in doing other tasks.

This post is dedicated specifically to myself and all the readers, especially if you are in early 20s. I am still learning to manage my time more efficiently and reduce my time with phones and facebook. So here the post is to remind myself, not to waste my time too much with the smartphone and internet.

Izzah, please be more matured and be a better person in terms of time management and more focused in your work! I am still learning and will continue to learn ad become a better person day by day..

****

If you’re in your early 20s, Agarwal says you should…

1. Learn to manage and balance your time.

Without the structure of school, it’s up to you to figure how to organise your day. Since you’ll be busy laying the foundation for your career, investing in your romantic life, and trying to have time left over for yourself, you’ll need to figure out how to prioritise and juggle competing demands. Agarwal recommends experimenting with different approaches until you’ve mastered the art of time management.

2. Put down your smartphone.

This generation grew up with social media, and many are probably too attached to their smartphones. Realise that someone liking your photo on Facebook or upvoting your post on Reddit isn’t as important as what’s going on around you. If you’re living in the moment, you can actually learn something, listen better, and contribute to the conversation.

3. Travel as much as you can.

As Agarwal puts it, when you’re in your early 20s, “you are mature enough to go out on your own and immature enough to learn from others.” Take trips that introduce you to new cultures and open your mind to new ways of thinking. In addition to gaining confidence and social skills, you’ll make memories that will last the rest of your life.

4. Pursue passion, not money.

At this stage, you likely do not have a spouse, kids, and a mortgage to take care of. Use this freedom to follow your heart rather than a big paycheck. Agarwal referenced a Steve Jobs’ quote: “If you don’t love something, you’re not going to go the extra mile, work the extra weekend, challenge the status quo as much.”

5. Figure out who you really are.

Use this period in your life to figure out what truly drives you, what scares you, what your strengths and weaknesses are, and who truly cares about you. Understanding who you are and what you’d like to achieve in life will give you peace of mind and set you up for success.

6. Remember that a larger world exists beyond your doorstep.

As you become more successful, give back to society’s less fortunate. Whether it’s by volunteering or donating to charity, plenty of evidence shows that those who pay it forward lead much happier lives than those who don’t.

Other Quora users weighed in as well, saying you should…

7. Learn to ignore the voice that tells you to give up.

Fight the voice in your head urging you take the easy route. If you don’t learn to ignore it, that same voice will plague you throughout your life, whether you’re trying to be healthier or gunning for a promotion. If you can overcome it, “you can push yourself to heights never imagined, and it will help you during hard times.” — Sang Young Noh

8. Start saving.

Even if you’re paying off student loans, you should start a habit of setting aside a portion of every paycheck in an emergency fund. Set a goal of having enough money to cover at least six months of expenses, in case of an injury or job loss. Make sure to also take advantage of a retirement plan offered by your employer, because you’ll appreciate the accrued interest years from now. — Drew Eckhardt

9. Take care of your body.

You’re in the prime of your life. Now’s the time to establish healthy exercise and eating habits, because it won’t be as easy to change once you grow older. And take good care of your skin to avoid the onset of wrinkles. — Mo Seetubtim

10. Get as much education as possible, be it in the classroom or not.

If you want to get a graduate degree, go for it. But even if you don’t spend any additional time in the classroom, read as much as possible, about as many things as possible. Learn a new language; get some writing published. You’ll never have as much free time and energy as you do now, so gain as much knowledge as you can. — Bill Welsh

11. Accept your mistakes and learn from them.

As you establish yourself in the world, you’re going to make mistakes in all aspects of your life. Don’t react too emotionally to any of them, and make sure that you learn how to avoid repeating them. “If you understand this, it will make you patient with other people who make mistakes, and you will learn forgiveness. It’s a very short hop from there to kindness, the greatest virtue a human being can have.” — Bill Welsh

Love what you do

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

I feel like working today, but sometimes I feel that I don't need to work and just enjoy my weekend..
So here I am, just blogging and facebooking. Just to remind myself with a quote from Steve Jobs that I found on Facebook:

Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. - Steve Jobs

 Honestly, I am still learning to love what I do now. I feel lost this week. I'm not sure of what should I do. I don't like calling people, request for data from them. Worst part, I couldn't focus on my literature review. Sometimes I just thinking of quitting from this field and try to delve into management work instead. But then, the sense of teaching and ambitious to be a lecturer keep on coming into my mind. I wanna be a lecturer, and this is the only way that I could be one. I will be applying for masters degree and then finish my thesis as soon as possible, then apply for scholarship for phD. It sounds simple, but it takes full of sweats and tears before I could have my PhD. Phd is not for everyone, but I believe I deserve it one day.

I just hope that my experience of being a research assistant and handling lots of project will greatly assist me in my own research in the future.

Yesterday, my boss called and told me that she has another project that I will need to work on a paper.. it's a long-term project, so we need to publish the paper that don't require data from other sub-project group. As for now, adding another project I would have 4 projects that I need to closely work on as part of my research work:

1) Land public transport competition assessment
2) Islamic Medical tourism
3) Competition assessment for depot
4) LRGS

and these projects that I need to work for any admin work:
1) Land public transport competition assessment2) Islamic Medical tourism
3) FRGS
4) Halal Supply Chain (3 sub-projects)

Allahu rabbi, banyak betul kerja. Allahu musta'an.. semoga Allah cukupkan masa

Second draft first paper

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Alhamdulillah, done with my second draft for the zoo paper.

Today I went out from home, around 7.50 am, and left the office at 8 pm.

Back at home, I started to work on my paper after having my dinner. And now I just send the second draft, it is not quite complete yet since I really have no idea on how to tackle the conclusion part.

Just wait for the comment from my boss. I hope everything will be as good as he expected.

I just feel like writing something on  my blog. This is the prove that I have been working and done my best, at least in my opinion. HAHA.

I think I'm not internally stable, I need to get shower, pray and go to sleep.. I am in sleep deprivation since I only slept for 4 hours ++ yesterday's night. Hope to get quality sleep tonight..

Night world,
 mimpikan yang indah saja.

Being a researcher

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

I am a researcher

Being a researcher
is not a natural talent
It is something that can be learnt
and nurtured
over time

Being a researcher
means
you compromise
your leisure hours
your own sweet time

Being a researcher
and a writer
Teach me to be patient
and it is
a long-life learning

Being a researcher
I am now climbing the steep hill
slowly but surely
will arrive on top

Being a researcher
Sometimes
I may get stucked
But remember
just never give up.

Slowly, but surely
I will profess.


by: Dr. Izzah Mohammad.

NB: I am stranded in the middle of correction for my first paper. I feel so bad now, stressed and pressured. I really wanna finish this as quick as possible so that I could then focus on my next paper. The target is 5 ISI/Scopus to be published before I finish my masters degree. Please make du'a for me, the 'Dr' in my name is just for the sake of dua to myself.

Mood less

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

This week, I feel so unmotivated to do anything. Usually I will do some work during the nighttime, but this whole week I keep on procrastinating everything..

I don't like to call stakeholders to request for data. I have to read and find tonnes of reference for the project.--> planning to write a conceptual paper for the policies of land public transport in Malaysia and get it published at least in Tier 1 or 2 ISI journal, so that I will get plus point to further my study.

I know procrastination is the thief of time, but I just don't know how to revive myself. I feel 'lemau', or maybe it's just my feeling and mind-set. I don't have much confidence in this field. I keep on feeling unsecured, not doing good enough. That's why I always post something that I feel motivated because of it so that I can always llook at it when I feel down.

Right now, I have got feedback for the first paper - zoo paper. I need to make lots of corrections:
1) change everything to present tense to make it standardize
2) review the comments and framework
3) edit the introduction, find and put some statistics
4) change evry quote

I will be the first author for this paper, collaborating with my ex-boss, he's a prof, 1 phd student, 1 lecturer and another 1 prof from uum. I feel sooo grateful to have a chance to publish a paper with my ex-boss. I was so impressed when I got the feedback for the paper that I wrote. He commented on every single thing that I wrote..

It's hard to find someone like him since most of the lecturer will just send the paper to editor for editing purpose. At that moment when I see the comments from him, I just feel so surprised and impressed that it quickly give me a sudden change in my mind. I know that I have to get him as my supervisor for PHd. Since I will be learning from 0, he's the right person to teach me and give comments for everything that I do.

Ok, back to story, this weekend I will try to keep back on the track. I don't wanna lose connection with dakwah and tarbiyah. I really hope I can be a better Muslim tomorrow. I will go to my first usrah after moving to KL from kelantan. I promise myself not to give up in this journey. It's full of thorns but I won't give up..

One of the reason I keep on blogging, is that it sort of gives me some motivation. A promise made by me, from my heart. I just don't want to be an ordinary person, I want to contribute to my deen, my community. I know the paragraphs are just unorganised, but who cares?

This blog is just for the sake of promising myself, to not give up for what am I doing now. This blog is about my promise, my dream, my experience, so that when I look back I can see myself from the past and see the progression that I have made.. The ups and downs throughout the journey. The more pain you have, the more you'll feel at ease and satisfaction when you manage to settle everything down.

I hope I would regain my confidence after my first paper has been published. Let's pray for the best to happen in future. I always admire the way my boss works, how fast she works.. I just wanna learn everything from her.

I think it's time to stop writing and start editing my paper now, so I could at least complete the correction partially. insya Allah, slowly but surely I can do it. Only Allah could repay the kindness given by the people surrounding me in the faculty. Some of them are really helpful, though some of them are not. But I just wanna remember those who help me through this journey. One day, I will be able to write their names in my thesis. insya Allah..

More or less

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

It has been a while since my last post here. One thing I realized, more busy I am, more frequent I will post something on the blog. I think this is one way of reducing stress, at least I write something and release the pressure, rather than keeping it alone and could drive me crazy.

The last post was about the seminar that I organised 3 weeks ago. After the seminar, I was busy with claims for the seminar and etc. Then I took a week off from work, to go back kampung. Because I miss my mum and also my hometown. A week in Kelantan really soothe me, and keep me calm and not thinking about work. I didn't disengage from the work completely. I still do my work, completing my proposal for masters and also managed to go to HUSM to interview the Ustaz regarding medical tourism research.

It is quite sad for me to not qualify for masters by full research. I went to meet the Dean to discuss about my application for masters, after I went back from Kelate. He then told me to check with the office, since he has no problem in supervising me, but I must be qualified for the masters by research mode. The requirement is quite high though that with my final result, I didn't meet the requirement. :( Now I am planning to do mix-mode masters - 30% coursework, 70% dissertation. I hope the UM will accept my application.

Back to story, last week, I went to SPAD but I couldn't meet with the person in charge for the data that we request. Its hard to get stakeholders to collaborate and cooperate in the research. This week, my colleague and I went to Port Klang to interview the company regarding the depot competition assessment. We managed to get to discuss with the Managing Director of the company. He was quite friendly and he talked so much that we couldn't stop him from telling stories about the depots. Some of those which are not related, and kind of wasting our time since we need to go back to UM. After listening to his story about 2 hours, we went back to UM and reach there around 6pm. What a day!

Yesterday I just sit in the office and do some literature review - managed to get 50 articles downloaded - will need more, at least 100s of those related article, which then I need to summarize. Banyak kan?! 1 article could be as short as 10 pages, or can be as long as 70 pages. But mostly, the recent arrticle is not really long since the publisher already put some word limit for the authors. Usually publisher requires the author to not exceed 10k words including reference.

Today, I went to World Halal Conference 2014 held at KLCC. My boss asked me to stay at the program, and I am still deciding whether to join the conference tomorrow or not. I still need to contact PIC from SPAD and Rapid KL to arrange for interviews, and some hospitals for data collection.

Currently, I am handling these programs:
1) Competition assessment of land public transport - 3 years project
2) Islamic Medical Tourism
3) Halal Supply Chain; and helping out my colleague with project Competition assessment of depots in Malaysia.

For future researcher, just to give overview about research: the hardest part in research is neither writing paper nor analysing the data, but to get data itself. The data collection could take months, especially if it requires to get some approval from government offices or companies. Just what I am facing right now, I am dealing with government offices and agencies; Department of Statistics Malaysia, Prasarana (Rapid KL), SPAD, private hospitals, government hospitals. To arrange for an interview sessions could take a minute, or even months!

Now, I am still stuck and not getting the form completed for the ethics approval from the KKM. We need to get ethics clearance from the Ministry of Health since the research requires us to interview the staffs of MOH. What a very tedious process I could tell. No wonder we're called developing country, and I believe Wawasan 2020 of becoming a developed nation would not be achieved, with this kind of system that we have currently.

Luahan perasaan jugak, tapi tanpa pahitnya hempedu, takkan terasa manisnya madu! I can't wait to be a lecturer one day, and have my own flexible and sweet time. hehe

Life is changing

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

I don't really care if this blog doesn't have any viewer since this is my open diary. I write for myself and just recently dedicated this blog to the journey of my career as to become a lecturer one day. I was inspired by my boss who got his PhD at the age of 28 and appointed as Professor at the age of 43. That is quite impressive.

My posts may not be grammatically correct but who cares right?

Back to the story, yesterday was an achievement though it was quite tiring day. I managed to organise the seminar successfully. Alhamdulillah, at least we got some people from the big companies to speak up in the seminar. Plus I got to build my networking with a few companies. Didn't talk much to them, only got their namecard.

End of seminar, my boss told me to have a day off. But today I came to work to return the laptop that was borrowed for the seminar.

Now I am so lazy to do anything. Supposedly I have to settle my proposal for my master, and do lots of claim (parking, settle with hotel, buy printers, scanners, and settle a few other things). I still have to finish my paper for my ex-boss. The paper was delayed for half a month now.. I think need to send email to him. Yes I need to.

***

I was thinking with my current life, I don't think I will get married within this 2-3 years. I have no time even for my family, how can I start a new family with this limited time that I have? I feel sad for most of my friends are now married and getting their child. My facebook friends' update has also changed to be more matured conversation. I still can't accept that we are now a matured young lady, not the high school kid anymore. The time flew so fast.. But here I am, stuck with my uncertain career path, and all my updates are all about my working life. I think my friends would think that I'm such a boring person. Maybe, but who cares? My target is getting PhD before the age of 30.

The peak

I was so stress today knowing the bureaucracy is just unbearable anymore. Maybe this is the worst case I have ever encounter from my first day of working, until today. I wrote this on my FB.

Catatan dari research:

dari 2 minggu lepas aku deal dengan sebuah hospital kerajaan di Terengganu, untuk request for interview. A very short interview indeed, just wanna know the perspectives of management with regards to Islamic medical practice. No data from hospital is required. This project is funded by the government, tapi Allah saja tahu birokrasinya. Padahal berurusan sesama agensi kerajaan. Ceritanya begini..

Setelah beberapa kali follow up utk application dengan hospital, hari ni dapat call dari hospital tersebut, the person in charge cakap kena register kat NMRR (National Medical Research Register) as a researcher and get the ethics approval then only you can do research in hospital. I was like, ok I don't think this would take long.. bole la register kejap and then proceed dengan hospital terus.

But then after I registered and sign up an account there, I found that I didn't even complete a quarter of it.

Masa register dah memang banyak column tak berkenaan la sebab research project ni non-clinical, soalan kat situ sume pasal medical. Lepas sign up and get researcher ID, kena proceed dengan application for ethics approval. Kena isi nama hospital tu, and print satu form which Principal investigator (my boss) kena sign + chop, kemudian HOD hospital sign, then pengarah hospital kena sign.

After I get all those signatures, I have to scan and upload the form into the system and attach with research proposal, CV, and a letter why I want to apply for ethics approval. The application will then be reviewed by 3 agencies (I can't remember) but of total 35 working days at maximum to be processed --> Tahun depan belum tentu dapat sign diorang tu semua..

conclusion senang je, patutla negara kita stay developing country, even kalau bagi 100% expenditures negara utk RnD pun kita takkan kemana, sebab rakyat masih mentaliti di takuk lama.. semua pun paper-based, full of bureaucracies.

Usahkan gomen, private pun sama je tak bagi kerjasama.. macamana nak keluar dari middle income trap? You tell me.

***

I never expect the process will be like hell. I understand that we need the approval from the director of the hospital but to go through all the hassles of those application forms, I think not worth it.. We just need 30 minutes to max. of 1 hour interview with the stakeholders aka management of the hospital but to get the approval it may take for months. I was like so bengang and seriously lar, why the government wastes money for RnD since we won't improve our country. Our people's mind wouldn't change. We have first class facility with third class mentality and crap system. Middle income trap is just another name for our country. We wouldn't be escape out of it, with the debt that we have right now it seems impossible to be a developed country.

Say bye-bye to Wawasan 2020. Welcome to the suffering decade everyone.

Masters..

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

I was so tired yesterday because I stayed back at the school for the talk of Dr Tariq al Suwaidan. I didn't know or never heard of him before. I discovered about the public lecture when I scrolled down Dr. Maszlee's fb, and the talk happened to be in my faculty. It has been long time ago since my last public lecture that I attended, so I think this is one of the way to gain something beneficial and revive my iman.

The talk supposed to start at 8 pm, but it delayed and started ard 8.45pm. I was so exhausted but still managed to write something and listen to it. But after 1 hour I couldn't stand it anymore since I feel like sleeping in there, so I quickly packed my notebook and stuffs, and headed to the car and back home afterthat.

So today I was late for work because I actually overslept because of my prolong tiredness I guess. That's not good but I don't have much choice. I tried to balance between health and work but still I'm not successful in it. I arrived at faculty around 9 am, and quickly do some admin work: manage to call hotel, email hotel to inquire about wifi for participants, send the forms to office for the dean to sign, and also print some interview questions that have been prepared by my colleague, for us to bring it to the meeting with Department of Statistics.

Lots of thing that I've learned today, especially on how the discrepancy in statistics happened. Indeed as a researcher, we need some clarifications from statisticians. Sometimes the  terms and classification used by economists and statisticians are different and that makes the figure to differ. The statisticians even told us how their challenging work of getting the exact data from the companies, which industries are so reluctant to give data and so on.


The meeting ends around 12.45 since today is Friday so the muslims have to go for friday prayer. Me and K.fara arrived at faculty ard 1.30 and get some drinks at the cafe first because it is a very very hot day. I feel like dehydrated sometimes. Back in office, I was tired and planned to go home early because not much I could do in the office, plus my boss was absent today. And I think today is my first day of getting home early in this month.

I was supposed to go home at 2pm, but then my 'roomate' Thina seek for my help regarding the printer. She needs to print out letters for the companies to request for interview, but then the printer is not working even after changing to the new toner cartridge. I tried to search any function for cleaning the toner but couldn't find it. I then google and read anything related, and I actually search how to change toner for the printer and put the exact model number of the printer.

Just a few seconds and our problem is solved. Because Thina just replaced the toner without removing the strip that cover the ink from leakage inside the cartridge. OMG I was like, Thina this is just small problem. But nevermind, I really glad that I could help her because I know she is really2 helpful for my research. And she's also kind-hearted. She has submitted her first draft for phd. I hope I could be someone like her in the future.

Back at home, I really enjoyed my day off from working. I have set my mind of not working on Friday night. After 5 days of working hard I guess I deserve the rest. After dinner, I have a conversation with my brother in law in regards to my work. And the conversation goes on and on. I did asked him anything that I am not clear enough about the procedure, and is the research and masters are feasible enough for me to do it.

He then said, if you're working for the same project, it is good because it will be easier for you to ask the SV. And he then asked me, how about the data can you get it? And I said yes, because the date will be collected from the statistics department and it will be paid using the grant fund.

He said then you have no problem anymore. You should do it.

After a quite nice and long talk, I am quite confident now to embark my masters journey. I hope I will not exceed 2 years for my masters. Then I could pursue my PhD. Insya Allah.

Earlier tonight, I text my colleague asking whether she's good now because she is MC today and got some medical problem. I told her I am demotivated to work because of uncertainty in getting paid. She then said 'tu lah ore suh kijo hok confirm xsei'.

I think she didn't understand my situation. Its hard to transition from one boss to another. If I stayed in that faculty and work for another boss, my current boss will still rely on me to do the admin work. So its either I quit or I stayed with the current one. If that happen I will not stay mentally healthy because the pressure from different bosses would be enormous, which I dont think I can handle it. The medical tourism project is good but I won't have chance to do papers and thing except the normal RA work.

I know she has lots of experience, she did advice me that 'dale dunia ni xleh kiro minat sajo". Because previously I told her that i am not interested in the medical tourism project. My interest is in economics, to be specific in development economics. I know we shouldn't only concern about our interest, but my previous experience, I did something that I don't have much interest in it, it ended up my result was bad. I'm not blaming it 100% but I want to do something that I am deeply interested and have passion in it. Maybe that is something she doesn't get from me.

I know she gave me advice, but the way she spoke about it sounds very negative. I shouldn't take it.

I need to have target and aim high. I should finish my PhD before reaching 30 years old. Yes, I will. With Allah's will.

What I need to prepare over the weekend: complete my research paper, and prepare research proposal for the application of masters of economics. may Allah eases my way amin..

Up and down

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

I feel inferior when my boss asked me to do my masters in economics faculty. With my unqualified result to pursue master in full research mode of study, I think I won't be able to make it. But then my boss said just go and ask for the courtesy of the Dean to allow me to do master, provided I do it under the same project and choose her as co-supervisor then I will be fine. She will support me at the back. Tapi I got another problem, I takut nak jumpa dean. :(( I never have any experience dealing and communication with Dean, lecturers before this, I mean on this kind of matter. Even I was having problem to call them prof/dr at the beginning because I used to call my lecturers with their name. I never know if they are adjunct prof, prof, or just ordinary lecturer since they always tell the students to call them by names only.

I'm still in the dilemma since my interest is in development economics. I really wanna study it but if I have no choice I will have to study this competition issues.

The pressure of insecure job keeps on popping out in my mind, I think my mind doesn't stop working. I even got headache this evening, usually its because I didn't eat but this evening I ate mee goreng and the headache doesn't goes off. Kepala berdenyut2 nak reply email rejection from the company. Haish.. I need more perseverance to handle this.

In the morning, not much that I do. I just edit the letter and print it out and scan it back because I want it to have letterhead. That's for the invitation to the seminar. I called the hotel to book and confirm the booking, I called the hospitals to ask them for update, reply email for purchase equipment and etc. Then in afternoon I went to PPUm to pass the questionnaires survey to the doctors and management there. hope we can get as many as we can from there.

Then when I was in PPUM, I got email from UNSW. That's for my masters degree in Banking. It is being accepted! I got the offer letter already. Right now when I feel so pressured, I just hope I can fly back to Australia and enjoy my study there. This time I promise myself I will do much much much better than my degree, and I will work and publish papers before coming back to Malaysia. I'm targeting to work there first before coming back for good.

I just hope mara will grant me the loan or scholarship or whatever. I desperately in need of that. Allahu musta'an.

Development studies

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Tonight I was supposed to do my journal article, but I don't have mood to do write up. I know we shouldn't rely on our mood to do something but it's just I have realized that I couldn't do write up unless I complete the table showing the dimensions of my analysis. It would be easier for me to refer to the table and do writing based on that.
Why I didn't do it now? Because my laptop couldn't install NVIVO software and I have to refer to it when I wanna create the summary table of my analysis, that's why I need to do it on the office's computer.

Then after I closed all my tabs of writing-related-apps, I then open the link that I shared on my facebook page. I always share anything that captures my attention on my facebook so that I could read it later. After I read it for awhile, I was shocked to see the photos of the state of deprivation, here in KL. It is in Setapak, very close to where I am staying now. It really looks similar to the one in Slumdog Millionaire - all those garbage, with polluted river and very dirty and soiled environment.

I didn't expect we still have those people who are in extreme poverty and they can do nothing about it. No education, no proper health care, no proper sanitary. These are the basic human right that everyone of us deserves. The worst is that they don't even have IC. Allah.

I am deeply saddened looking at the photos of the kids. If they didn't go out from the situation, they will stay in the poverty cycle for generations. They wouldn't be able to come out of it.Only education could help them, something which they don't have access to since they don't have IC.

Allahu musta'an. That's all I could say. Starting from today, I am determined to do studies about this. I want to contribute my best to change what they are now. Allah, cukupkan masa ku untuk semua ini.

***

My situation coincides with what I read on the blog tonight. Today I called the faculty of economics to ask them about doing masters in development studies. My interest has always been in development studies. I took the  course when I was in my third year and i think it is very challenging field and interesting as well to study of the people, instead study of their business.

After talking to the person in charge, I am sure of myself that I would apply for it when the application for the program is open. It's in mix-mode study, 16 credit hours of classes and 40 credit hours just for the research. The 40 credit hours of research is everything about arguments, presentations and discussions. That is what development studies all about.

In economics, every pro must have the con. So arguments about an issue will always be the core business in economics.

Back to story, I just hope I will grow my interest deeper in this field and contribute to my beloved nation, one day insya Allah. Let's just pray I will get accepted to the school and study deeply on this matter so I could change them. amin

Izzah

Oh my paper!

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

I just finished writing 2 dimensions of my analysis in the 'results' section of the paper. I still have 3 more dimensions to write, plus an introduction and discussion and conclusion sections of the paper.

After working for almost all day, I only managed to write few pages of the analysis. Yes, it's hard for me to focus on writing.

I targeted to finish everything by today but it doesn't seem feasible for me. I know I have to work faster, but I think I am slowly learning towards it. My boss keeps on pushing me to work faster, but I think he may need to consider my background as well. I have never write any thesis or learn any research methodology before this. So, I have zero knowledge about all this research matters.

Whatever it is, jom layan this song. One of my fav back during my school time. I even bought the cassette for this album. Back in 2005 we don't have internet connection at home. So everything especially nashid songs we relied on cassette and radio to listen to it.

Layannn.. Tomorrow will be going to OU to enjoy our remaining weekend before start a new week. I planned to buy a pair of shoes and maybe a perfume. I have 3 bottles of it but the temptation of 25% off from bodyshop is irresistible. Haiyo botak kepala.

Second interview

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

After all the hassles of phone calls to the hospitals, I did receive positive reply - they agree to be interviewed. But it is of short notice. Really.

The interviewee agreed to be interviewed but then it is tomorrow! Which means 9 hours from now. I was really tired today. Lots of things need to settle (tapi tak settle pun) and then when he said just come tomorrow. Without hesitation I said yes, sure we'll come. The time is determined by him - 9 oclock in the morning.

I then whatsapp my team mate, informing her about the interview. My team mate says that she need to send her daughter to nursery and maybe a bit late for the interview. OMG. I can't believe that I'm going to face the interview alone. Before this I was just an assistant. I din't expect that I need to study this topic in depth.

That was before I know about in-depth interview. It requires you to have knowledge about the topics and you know how to tackle the interviewee and ask them more when they say something. It is not as straight-forward as questionnaires. The answer from interviewee is open-ended and the next question is lead by the interviewer.

That is the most challenging part of in-depth interview. Because if you don't know how to lead the conversation, it may goes on and on to other topics which might not relevant to the research topics and objectives.You might end up having 2 hours of interview with no points relevant to the topic.

Just now I feel confident enough to face the interviewee. He's the head of public relation department in one of reputable government hospital in KL. Initially I was relieved when my boss said she will go to the interview with me but then my boss has other commitment and couldn't make it. Sobs.. Sometimes I feel not confident enough for the interview.

O Allah, ease my day tomorrow.

I need to get enough rest to face hectic day tomorrow.

I have to handle admin stuffs for 6 different grants/projects. And do research for 2 projects, plus my own paper that I am currently writing, and I am organizing seminar for 30 people on March 17, so I need to invite them, prepare letter for permission of organizing seminar, arrange for the guests transport - since they're coming from Penang, and other universities, pay claims for them, book hotel, prepare booklets and everything for the seminar.

If total up the amount of the 6 grants it could worth half of million ringgit. It's quite hectic to manage all those and I need to learn to manage things more effectively. Lots of bureaucracy and filing and forms and letters before everything could be approved. Usually an RA only manage 1 project, do research based on that project and do admin work for that sole project.

It's not easy but I believe there is hikmah in everything. With difficulties come opportunities, with difficulties come easiness. Just trust that Izzah!


p/s; the more hectic my life is, the more frequent I will keep my update here. Love to write things here, as not many people read it and for my open-secret-diary thing that I will treasure it soon when I'm up there. insya Allah peduli dengan grammar tunggang langgang, as long as I understand. hehe

Getting more and more

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

I started off my day with email from my ex-boss or my co-writer for the paper that I'm currently working on. He was asking the update of the paper and whether I could finish it off in 2 weeks time. Suddenly I feel so pressured because of the email. I thought I could avoid him since he is away from the office but I was wrong since he could email me =(((..

I feel pressured that I even cried in the office since I did not yet finish the paper. Currently I am writing the research methodology, but I told him that I'm putting the analysis part of the paper. How I wish writing academic paper is as easy as writing blog. How I wish.. Sometimes I just doubted myself if I have chose the wrong field for myself to develop. But then I keep on thinking what my ex-boss said about me.

He said that I have the potential to excel in this field, which is academic field. I am still learning to love what I do. Sometimes I feel good about research, but then when I face difficulties I feel like quitting everything at that moment.

Everyday is a new challenge for me. Today I have lots of work to be settled (contact hospitals for interview, arrange for payment to supplier, make claims for travel, apply to buy equipment, get the dean's sign, etc etc.) but then because of the email, I couldn't focus on my work. I always being interrupted by the administration work that I have to do and the noisy sound from the construction site in front of the school. I really can't focus on my research job.

Then in the afternoon, my boss asked me to send her to PJ to pick up her car from service. We went out for lunch, of course she paid it for me and then we went to the service centre. After coming back from there, I didn't go to the office because I have promised my friends to get them out because I was supposed to go lunch with them but I went with my boss. So then we went to Gloria Jeans coffee to have some chilling moment and enjoy our time plus to release the stress that is mounting up.

Sometimes this research makes me hard to smile because my brain couldn't stop working and thinking about it. Because it is something unsettled, so that's why I think my brain keep on working on it.

I always forget about little things, sometimes the feeling of forgotten everything is driving me crazy. Actually I have locked the door, or switched the aircond off but I am doubting myself whether I did all those thing or not. Today I was home early because I drive my brother's car to the office and to avoid traffic jam I have to go home early. After getting done with my shower and prayer, I was 'was-was' if I have lock the door or not. Because of that, I grab my helmet and have a ride to UM just to check that small thing.

Sometimes I feel tired because of it. And I wonder if my friends who are working in the private sectors having same problem like me. I am wonder.. I just wonder.

When my boss said, she want me to get some literature review, I offer myself to write the paper. Because I wanted to learn from her, the style she's using to start up with the writing. Though I am writing the paper right now, but it's of different field and different person. So, I guess the style must be different. Something that I should learn to broaden my knowledge and skills, at the same time improving my resume later when the paper got published.

I really hope to finish this one as fast as possible, with Allah's will.

Just now I feel so pressured, but I think if I write down about it, I would feel better and less pressured.

So, let's get moving, girl!