Bear with me

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

Today is my second last day of working with the current boss.

My boss asked how I am going with my paper, am I doing good or not. I showed him my work (its only 4 paragraphs since 3 nights of working). I feel like moving in snail pace. I do my literature review first.

I think my boss is great at making me having mixed feeling. I feel happy when he complemented that I have a good English. It shows my capability of writing and producing good work, at least.

I need to learn more to write and create the flow of the paper. Its not easy, I can tell that. Even PhD students or even PhD graduates are struggling in that. It is not an easy job to do.

He then give me a week time to write my article, which I find it to be impossible to do that. I still have other tasks to do, like admin stuffs and even transcribing the recording which I have not yet completed. I feel pressured by the timeline of 1 week. 1 week means 7 days!!

 I read from the internet that the time to write may be as short as 2 days, but 7 days is just too short and sound really impossible. I am a new writer. I have just began my journey in this field. I have never learned how to write formally, not in any of my university courses. I just learned the terms used in journal and I went for 2 talks regarding publishing in leading journals. That's it. How am I supposed to write the whole article in 7 days time?

For the first and second night, I only get 1 paragraph of literature review. It has been more than a year since I write any essay or do any assignment. And my longest assignment that I have done so far is like 3000 words which I did it in 5 days. Not a 7000-9000 words of journal! Its a peer-reviewed journal, and you need to cite from someone. You can't just put everything without reference. 

So I am still polishing my writing skills. The speed seems to increase in the third night but not satisfactory. It is hard for me to focus. I try to find enjoyment in what I am doing now. I can say I will be satisfied if I can finish it on time and be accepted in ISI journal. I would say that is the highest level of satisfaction I would get.

Before my boss left, I asked him where this article will be sent to? He said not an ISI but a new journal that may not be rated as ISI or Scopus indexed. I don't know why but I feel so sad about this. Am I being underestimated? I keep wondering inside, because I hate this feeling. I always feel my work is not good enough.

I feel sad because I will not be working for him anymore, starting from next week onwards. He said, he hope I have learnt something from him through my short rendezvous with him. I said of course, lot of things that I learned from him.

I am afraid I didn't meet his expectation. I know he expects me to work very fast, but not as fast as him. Maybe he could give me some time to develop my skills. Not in a week time of everything!

This mixed feeling makes me unable to focus on my work now. I feel burdened by the feeling. Previously I was targeting for Tier 2 journals for my first paper. Because it is better to start at high position than start from the lower point. It will make you move faster on the track.

My 2014 has not settled down for me. I don't know how to balance my life. All I think is about work. Sometimes I feel I have abandoned people surrounding me. I am truly sorry for that. 

So blog, bear with me. I might be spending more time with you since this is my open diary about my research journey and my struggle with it.